Small-Minded

"Japan is a small country."

You hear this phrase with surprising frequency in Japan, often with no context at all.  It leaps out of nowhere like some kind of stealth proverb.  It made me wonder why it's such a big deal to the locals.

First of all, my own answer to this phrase is "NO IT BLOODY ISN'T!"  Plonk Japan in the middle of Europe and it would be the 5th largest country, bigger than either Germany or the UK, and by head count, there would be no contest.  Europe's most populous country is Germany with 82 million.  Japan is 128 million.

The trouble is, Japan doesn't compare itself to European countries.  For you see, Japan has it's very own World Map that provides a cunning optical illusion.  Instead of the World Map we're all familiar with, which has GMT 0 down the middle, the Americas to the left and Asia and Oceania to the right, the Japanese World Map places Japan in the centre of the world, with the Pacific Ocean squatting right over the proceedings and pushing all of the land masses off to the edges, like the fat kid pushing everyone else out of focus in a family photo.

The result of this bizarre reshuffle reveals Japan to be surrounded by largeness:  the USA, Canada, Russia and China loom around poor lil' Japan in the vast ocean like circling sharks.  Poor old Greenland is either cleaved in two or, in this case, ceases to exist altogether.

But let's look at facts, not perceptions.  Japan is in the top third of the world for countries by land mass, and it's the 10th most populated.  Now, some of my American friends may side with the Japanese here and back up the claim that Japan is indeed small by a size relative to which they're familiar.  But there's no avoiding the fact that smaller and less populous countries the world over rarely, if ever, hoist up their smallness as a banner to rally under.  If anything, they're more likely to be beating their collective chests and talking themselves up.

So where does this insistence on smallness come from?  I think part of it might be to do with the population density: you can't help but think small when there is so little space to go around.  Even I have to admit that my refusal to recognise Japan as 'small' isn't the whole story: a large portion of the land is mountainous and therefore impossible for the urban sprawl to gobble up.

The other explanation is that Japan doesn't like to appear outwardly aggressive.  This relates back to points I made in my 'Kawaii!' post.  Japan doesn't like to inflate it's own ego, but rather humble itself, to the point of being churlish.

"But wait!" I hear you say, "If they don't want to appear egotistical, why push their country front and centre of the map?"  That is a very good question, and one I don't have a straight answer to here.  The Japanese have a curious mixture of a superiority/inferiority complex when it comes to comparing itself to the rest of the world.  On one hand they will point out something they cannot do "because they're Japanese," and on the other they will point out something you cannot do "because you're not Japanese."  It's a bewildering contradiction, one that I am yet to understand.

Still, no biggie, eh?  After all, Japan is small...

Pop Calling the Kettle Whack

I watched a fascinating program on TV last night.  It was literally entitled 'Japan vs China vs South Korea' and that's exactly what it was...well, kinda.  There's no love lost between this triangle of nations, and it could have been a real in-depth debate about the long-standing issues between the Asian giants.  Alas, it was a pretty toothless light entertainment show fronted by TV personalities representing each country (the Japan 'team were headed by loudmouth lard-monster cross-dresser Matsuko Deluxe (pictured above), and they dabbled in pretty pointless questions such as "Why is K-Pop so popular in Japan?' (incidentally, Matsuko's retort was that K-Pop is just a bad imitation of U.S. Pop.  Which could replace 'Pot Calling the Kettle Black' as the definition of towering hypocrisy.

But what riled me the most was the blatant passive-aggressive circle-jerking over Japan.  Okay, so it's a Japanese TV show, but it was so balls-out unfair and downright mean that I nearly choked on my Octopus Balls.

Example one: In a promotional-like video, the first thing Japan's segment showed was the awesome Sky Tree, now the second tallest building in the world.  Best foot forward, yes?  But then it proceeded to pull out a picture of the Canton Tower, and compare lengths, which the Sky Tree won by a mere 34 metres.  It was one step from the leaders of each team whipping out their own manhoods and seeing who could pee highest up the wall.

When China's own segment came up, what was the first thing it showed?  The Great Wall?  The Forbidden City?  The glittering skyscrapers of Shanghai?  Well actually, it was a crowd.  Just...a crowd.  And not a slick, sexy high-production value crowd.  A filmed-on a calculator shuddering mudfest of a crowd.  The Japan team and the studio audience proceeded to laugh.  It was possibly the most malicious, loaded laugh I've ever heard.  Clearly the China team had no say in putting their own case forward.  It's also the height of richness that the Japanese would dare slam China for it's apparent crowding when any given commute on a train can turn into a mobile sardine can of human flesh.

Example two: When the inter-team debate, such as it was, began in earnest, the host pulled out a special guest to voice their own opinion.  Was this an expert in Asian relations?  No she was a member of the Women's Japanese Soccer Team.  With all due respect to her, she was far from an expert and further still from being impartial.  It effectively gave the Japan 'team' an extra side to argue from.

You simply could not get away with this nauseating level of jingoism in the U.K. (Unless you're a writer for the Daily Mail).  It did nothing but show the Japanese up as being childish, unwilling to play fair and brain-numbingly hypocritical.

That all being said, it wasn't all bad.  As limp-wristed as the topics were ("Why doesn't Korea have many TV personalities" was one, as if this is a bad thing), there were some decent segments, especially the part following the lives of inter-asian couples living in the differing countries.  And, when all is said and done, Japan needs more probing, 'uncomfortable' debates like this.  Japan is a country that largely shys away from difficult questions and is super-sensitive to criticism (as the tubby in a one piece showed), so this is a step in the right direction.  True, questions like these were about as penetrating as a snow on steel, but it's a baby step in the right direction.

And finally, it was refreshing to see the Chinese team get the last (and best) word in: when they said that they have made many things the Japanese use everyday, the Japan team challenged them to name one.  The Chinese guy then proceeded to point to the Kanji (literally 'Chinese Characters') on each and every one of their name badges.  Like a boss.

You can watch the full show here (in Japanese).